A FaireTale
by Miss Doll
Summary: A faire tale full of knights, faires, and princessy angst; slightly yaoi, but also slighty ridiculous, so it all evens out in the end.
1. Chapter 1

A Faire-Tale

I do not own Death Note, nor its characters.

summary: A faire-tale full of knights, fairies, and princessy angst. Do not read if at all intelligent as it will fry what is left of your brain cells, which I imagine is very little.

Chapter one: The Explaining of the Whole Situation

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom that thrived in a wonderful place called Neverland.

But that's not the kingdom the story is taking place in.

No, our story is in a smaller kingdom in a slightly less wonderful place called Earth and it begins with a princess, who was actually a prince, but that's a long story and we don't have time now to tell it. The princess's name was Light, and Light lived in a tower that was above all the trees and people and no one ever came there because everyone in the villages in princess/prince Light's kingdom had an irrational fear of tall towers and trapped princess/princes. Light himself (or herself, whichever you perfer) had an irrational fear of tall towers, but having lived in one for so long he really didn't even notice much anymore.

Why, the reader may ask now, was Light in a tall tower in the first place if no one liked tall towers in the villages and Light didn't like them himself? Well, this is explained by telling the story of why Light was in the tower. Clever, isn't it?

You see (and I really don't care if you don't see, just pretend to for the sake of politeness), Light's parents were nice, but overall not incredibly bright, and so they, when planning a party, forgot to send an invitation to the great faire Kira and therefore deeply insulted him, even though he was already invited to several other parties. Kira did not enjoy not getting invited.

He did, however, enjoy tall towers and locking people up in them for extremely petty reasons, such as not recieveing an invite to a party that would have been otherwise rather dull. So that's what he did. He went to the castle at midnight and stole Light away, thinking he was a princess (because no one bothers with stealing princes because they're basically worthless any ways), and locked him up in the tall tower while doing this sort of sinister cackling and evil swishing about of his very long and shadowy cape. He also threw in a few rubbing together of the fingers, just for extra flare.

The next morning Light woke up to a room with only one window, a very small white vainty, an uncomfortable bed with bed coverings a most replusive shade of orange, and a closet full of dresses and other feminine wear. He didn't like this situation, but there wasn't much he could do about it, seeing as Kira had already gone through all this trouble to steal him and hide him away he just didn't have the heart to complain. Light was just like that a lot, nice and caring, because he was a princess/prince and, I suppose, that is what they do. He sat there for a little bit before becoming overwhelmingly bored with the boringness of his boring situation. Which, he remarked in thought, was becoming increasingly more boring by the second. He didn't even have anything to read.

This made his eyes tear up for a moment before he decided that he was too manly for tears, and he would save them for later, for when his knight in shining armor came and all that.

And that is how Light got to be locked up in a tall tower. It was all Kira's fault and by association, Light's parent's fault. Now, on with the story.

Light was sitting in his room, trying to pretend that his bed coverings were a nice burgandy shade (he liked that color a lot) when a knocking came upon his door. It was a loud, rapid, angry sort of knocking, which wasn't nessesary because the door was unlocked, and with a great deal of added flourish, Kira swung open the door with his hand.

"Aha!" Kira exclaimed, "You've been in here for a year and still no prince has come knocking. What shall you do now, fair princess?"

Light sighed. He'd given up on telling Kira he was a male because the faire simply went deaf whenever Light said anything and he'd completely given up on getting any men's clothing and had resigned himself to dresses and gowns for the rest of his life. He didn't really hate the dresses, they were actually quite slimming and were a fair bit more comfortable than pants, but it still bothered him about being gender-confused. He often sat and wondered about this for a long time, because it was one of the few things he did in the room besides attempting to sing, dance, talk loudly to himself, talk softly to himself, sleep, think about how nice a new pair of shoes would be, and gaze forlornedly out the window. He'd read some where that was what people trapped in tall towers often did.

"I believe," Light said before looking over at the man and looking at the ceiling, which was also tall, "That I shall marvel at the good weather we've been having." Kira nodded approvingly, though Light knew in his mind he was imaging that Light had said:

"I believe I shall perish without the world to love me as it once did."

Or something like that. He could have been paraphrasing.

"Well, you do that," Kira said before whipping around and going out the door, adding, "You'll never escape!" Just for kicks and giggles.

Light sighed once more before getting up, lifting his skirts to make sure they didn't drag on the dirty floor, and then gazed out the window forlornedly. He wondered if he'd ever escape and then he wondered if the nice weather they were having would last them until Tuesday.

He'd also read somewhere that people locked in tall towers had deep thoughts while in them. He decided that his thoughts were very deep and continued to think them the rest of the night until he fell asleep gracefully, which if one has ever tried, one will know how difficult it is.

end chapter one.

A.N. Ah, yes, um, don't ask. (Did you enjoy how I was insulting even in my summary? Did you notice I finally wrote a summary? Did you realize I like writing in parenthesis, or has it taken you till this story to figure that out?) I'm sorry if anyone is overly insulted, because if you were, you have very low self esteem or are just too easily insulted. In which case I would have to call you Kira, but only if you go around stealing people and puting them in towers while laughing obnoixiously.

please review, or you will be struck by an irrational fear of tall towers and princess/princes...


	2. Chapter 2

A Faire-Tale

I do not own Death Note, nor its characters.

summary: A faire tale full of knights, faires, and princessy angst. Now with added impossible situations!

Chapter two: Where We Learn About Faires and Their Many Useless Abilities

While Light had been sleeping, unbeknowst to him a group of faires were plotting a way to save him from the fate Kira had planned for him. If Kira ever became proactive in his schemes and planned ahead.

This group of faires was a very powerful group of faires and they were of a ancient order set down to protect princess/princes from getting locked in tall towers and all other forms of disorderly conduct that was usually exhibited by evil faires who were deeply insulted. So far they had not been doing their job very proficently, but now they had a Plan. Which was good, because most faires in books just wing it, but they were obviously professionals and had been doing this for a long period of time.

There were 3 faires in this group.

1. Mogi, who was the leader.

2. Aizawa, who was the cool one with the awesome hair.

3. Matsuda, who was the random faire with no reason behind his existance what so ever.

They did their job very well, except for this time, because it was such a difficult one to fix. They couldn't just save the princess/prince, because that would be overall much too convienient and this plot is nothing if not a whole lot of inconvienience for everyone, including the reader. No, they had to perform a very complex spell that would cause the princess/prince to gain super powers and break through the tower.

Which, in retrospect, wasn't exactly a five star plan, but when you're a faire in a very difficult situation, you make do with what little brains you have.

They didn't even have time to think about how partially life threatening the spell was because Kira, however mildly slow and dimwitted he was, caught on and decided that he was going to end this nonsense once and for all! So he decided to perform one of the ancient evil rituals of doing an incredibly ridiculous spell/curse/evil deed of your choosing and yelling about your doing it to the entire world, or at least the surrounding area.

"I am going to place a spell upon you princess!" Kira exclaimed loudly to Light, who was all the while imagining what it might look like in the room if someone would give him a broom or something (it was killing Light to live in all this filth really), "And it shall be one of horror, and doom, and...horror?"

Light looked at Kira sympatheticly.

"Run out of adjectives again Kira?"

Kira sighed loudly and nodded. Then he took out his stick that he used to perform diabolical spells with and waved it about a few times while repeating a curse from his hand.

"To a sleep that knows no end,

To there I place the princess I send."

And with that very poorly rhymning spell said, Light felt his eyes grow heavy and he fell to a deep, dark sleep. Kira laughed, loudly and evily (which was what he had been doing for the majority of the story anyways), and then did a villianous disappearance. In a very villianous fashion. Because he was a villian.

Yes, onward then.

Well, it seemed Light was all but dead when out of presumeably nowhere popped an abnormally huge faire named Ryuk, who was bored out of his mind. Now Ryuk did not have the power to save Light and all that ludicrous hero jargen, but he could, however, make the spell less deadly, for lack of a better word. Ryuk decided this whole little drama was too fun to pass up continuing so he waved his hand and mumbled dully a counter-spell.

"Though the crook said no end,

to you a simple gift I send.

Not death, for it too steep,

instead you'll find yourself in sleep."

And with that Ryuk also did a disappearance, and Light lied there sleeping on the bed until the three faires came there to see what happened. They were very disappointed. They had wanted to put the spell on Light. They instead settled for laying him all princess like on the bed, so when the prince came to wake him up, he wouldn't think that some strange girl suffering from sleep deprevation had passed out on the ground.All the faires smiled and were quite pleased with themselves, which was rather odd because none of the faires so far had done anything helpful for the princess/prince.

But it not wise to argue that point with faires, because they all have a horrible case of selective hearing.

end chapter two

A.N. Ah, well, that took a chunk out of my I.Q. writing this. I can't decide whether I'm making fun of faire tales or those weird Death Note faire tales all those people are writing. It's tearing my world apart!! (jk...hyuk, hyuk...)

And yes, I made up those rhymns on the spot. Aren't they dreadful?

please review...


	3. Chapter 3

A Faire-Tale

I do not own Death Note, nor its characters.

summary: A faire tale full of knights, faires, and princessy angst. It's the kind of story that destroys the mind instead of enriches!

Chapter Three: The Knight and his Journey

Light was now a sleeping princess/prince and therefore had to now be saved by an extra special kind of prince. The prince who was his true love.

The last thought that passed through his head before he fell asleep was:

'Oh shit.'

Very princessy indeed. Well, at the same moment Light was experiencing a bit of a permanent fainting spell, a knight was riding through the forest on his trusty stead, Watari. The knight's name was L, but he didn't usually go by that because it was a very strange name, and going through the hassle of explaining why he was named that took up to much time, more time than L had. Often, he simply introduced himself as Ryuzaki.

Which didn't sound a thing like L, but he was a knight and knights can call themselves whatever they want.

He was riding through the forest to clear his head after performing several heroic deeds and was at the same time wondering what he was going to do with his life, besides ride through the forest and perform heroic deeds. All of a sudden, he was hit by a bird with a scroll. Fumbling for his balance, he snached the bird from the air before ripping the scroll out of its claws. Unrolling the little piece of paper, he read from it this which was written on it;

To whom it may concern, or a preferably a prince in need of self reflection and true love,

We, the Evil Faire Protection Team, have made a bit of an error in spell-casting and seem to have worsened our charge's current situation instead of bettered it. We aplogize if such a thing offends you. We advise you get over yourself and deal with it.

Our charge has fallen into a deep sleep which doesn't seem to be cureable by any traditonal methods, including acupuncture, which we presume was incredibly painfully and incredibly ineffective. Now that we have exhusted every spell, charm, and Girl Scout campfire chant, it seems we must turn to the mother of all faire tale sleeping curse breakers.

True Love's First Kiss.

We understand the risk invovled in asking this, especially since the chances of our charge's actual true love reading this are fairly slim, but we ask that you keep in mind that this is a young princess/prince who is a virgin and also has been locked in a tower for a long period of time without any human contact. We aren't really asking you to save the princess/prince, we just need you to kiss them so that they can wake up and return to their sad life in a tall tower with an egotistacal faire as their jail keeper.

So, if you are wondering what to do with your life, or simply want to kiss something, please go to the address below.

Signed,

Mogi, Aizawa, and Matsuda

L found this note vaguely insulting to his intellignce and crumpled it up, throwing it at the bird who had attempted to run away. The bird fell out of the sky and L took a small bit of time out of the story to sit there and laugh at the bird's misfortune.

Knights are a tad bit sadistic I presume.

He contemplated the effects of reading the note and wondered if answering the call would truly make his life better. It seemed as if he was deep in though, thinking things in a very dark, brooding sort of manner that you can only do when you are a knight and angsty like that.

Then he figured it was as good a chance as any to make out with a random hot person, so he took off in the direction of the tall tower, which, inccidentally, wasn't too hard to find. Maybe it was the color, or the shape, because it couldn't be the fact that it was absurdly long in height, or anything like that. Only logical people came to that ridiculous conclusion.

Back in the tower, Light was dreaming about the knight who would come save him, who looked alarmingly like L, so alarmingly so that it was almost as if they were meant to be.

Had to be one of those plot convient considenses.

end of chapter three

A.N. I know. I need spell check badly. I also need internet that does not shut off whenever it fancies a good laugh at my frustration (it is almost to the point of being sadistic, the way it lavishes in my struggles). La, la, la, I really should be writing the next chapter for Icy, or at least working on the next section of Neck, but I'm not because I have better things to do, like re-read Only You by MiaoShou six more times...

Wow, subtle advertising for one your favorite fics there Miss Doll...

Oh well, it is a good fic for those who have failed to read it thus far, and now, I end this freakishly long author's note with this, a word from our sponsers.

please review, or L will through a piece of paper at you and indulge in sadistic laughing at your expense...


	4. Chapter 4

A Faire-Tale

I do not own Death Note, nor its characters.

summary: A faire tale full of knights, fairies, and princessy angst. With added nonsense just for the little children!

Chapter 4: True Love's First Miss

There stood, in L's way, one problem in the whole 'kiss the princess/prince and save them so as to discover true and endless love or at least get to mack for three straight minutes with an attractive person.'

That problem was Kira. Kira had a way of getting in other people ways, even if it was indirectly, like growing large rose bushes around the tower that knights were supposed to climb and save princess/princes. L glared at the bush. It bothered him. Things that bothered him didn't live long.

Obviously bothering princes is some sort of death warrant.

He pulled out his sword (no, no, not that kind of sword silly, the other kind) and began to slash at the bush madly, like some sort of riled up hair dresser who'd just had their apron insulted. That didn't seem to be doing much good. It really just trimmed. Actually, it was beginning to take the shape of a lion. That was entirely too strange for L to handle, animals were not meant to be made of leaves! He chopped it up until he was in the middle of a pile of leaves. A clear path was cut toward the tower.

L grinned to himself. It hadn't been that hard.

He walked right up to the tower, only to realize then he didn't have any way to reach the top. It was rather high up, and after having to come to the realization that he couldn't fly up to the window, he sat down and angrily threw rocks at passing mice. He was a knight. Knights did not run into road blocks. Knights were able to climb tall towers through convient plot holes. Unfortunately for L though, a person with no sense of real faire-tale logic was writing.

As he was glaring at the tower as if he could climb it by eye power alone, a small girl skipped up to him in a red riding hood, carrying a basket of goodies.

"Hello mister knight, what are you doing here?"

L raised an eyebrow. Little children who asked question and carried baskets of goodies did not live long, for they also bothered knights.

Just interacting with knights if you weren't a damsel in distress was a death threat. Someone ought to tell them that there are more people in the world, but I suppose no one will, because knights are awfully scary in real life.

"Hello small child. Tell me, do you know, perhaps, how to reach the top of that tower?"

The girl frowned.

"What tower?"

L rolled his eyes and pointed upward at the tower in front of the two of them.

"That one."

The girl looked up and her face contorted into one of horror. She shrieked and collapsed in a faint. L stared at the unconscious girl and poked her with his boot. She remained motionless. He sighed and looked back up at the tower. What sort of monstrous being lived up there if a little girl was frightened of it?

"Don't worry about that. The entire village has a fear of tall towers and princess/princes."

L looked over to see a faire floating above the still body of the red riding hood girl. He had on black leather pants, boots, a shirt, and black leather belts that numbered in the infinities. His blonde hair was cut in a vaguely feminine style, curling in at the shoulder and his eyes were the kind of eyes that freaked young women and babies out because of there severity. He cut quite a frightening figure.

Of course, L was a knight, so he couldn't care less.

"That is quite irrational if you ask me."

The faire cocked his head the side in a confused manner.

"But I didn't ask you."

L sighed loudly and placed his hand over his eyes.

"It's a figure of speech. Often the social norm for figures of speech is for them to be confusing, but it is also a social norm for the person who is receiving the figure of speech to go along with the confusing nature of the figure of speech for the sake of politeness."

The faire tapped a finger to his chin and nodded a few times Then he stuck out his hand for L to shake.

"Name's Mello. I work for the branch of the Evil Faire Protection Team that helps knights, princes, peasants, etc. get to the prince/princess. We don't have a name yet, because we're a very recent addition to the team. It took the original branch a few years before realizing that it wasn't quite possible to both save the prince/princess and help the knight, prince, peasant, etc at the same time. We're fairies, not 100 armed monsters. That's Greek mythology and we don't work with that branch much after their civilization crumbled and the Romans came and stole all their ideas. Anyway, I'm here to help you climb this tower and rescue the princess/prince."

After the long and somewhat unnecessary tangent, the faire pulled out his wand and waved it around a bit before chanting loudly a spell;

"The knight here has no way to climb,

The princess/prince biding their time,

So this spell shall help the knight,

Kiss the boy and make it right."

With that a puff of smoke rose from the wand and a ladder appeared simultaneously with it. L nodded his thanks to the faire and began to climb up the ladder. He was stopped half way up by the faire's voice.

"Oh, and if you could, please fill out the comments/complaints card next to the sleeping guy. We're always trying to improve the service of our team for the benefit of our customers."

One thing L knew for sure was that he was marking all 3s on that card. The service had been terrible and he hoped they at least made up for it in the attractiveness of the princess/prince. He was not going to have ridden his horse the six feet he did for a gross monster thing.

Knights weren't exactly the kindest people in all the land, but if you were a knight, you would be rude too, just for the sake of being rude. Not that I'm judging you, or assuming that all knights are rude, perverted, sadists like our knight here, but I believe it is a fair assumption to say that most are as rude, perverted, and sadistic as L. Sad, but a truth that can not be avoided, even if you live in an underground hole, which I assume most of you don't. Or, at least, I hope you don't.

During this, Light was still sleeping, now dreaming pleasantly. Here is what he was dreaming about;

A very handsome knight riding up to his tower, on a horse quick as lightning (which if this was thought over, would be theoretically impossible because the speed would cause the horse to burn up, but, this is a faire tale, so no one really was paying attention while writing this), knowing in his heart that his true love slept in the tall tower. He cut through the rose bush with ease and climbed up the tower fast as he could.

Softly, the knight came in and saw him sleeping in his bed, his hands daintily folded and his lips red as roses. The knight knew that he was his true love and kissed his lips.

Oh, it was a very nice dream.

Meanwhile, in real life, L was climbing through the window of the tower. He looked around. He was in a dusty room, full of ugly, dusty furniture, with one small bed that lying upon it was a beautiful princess/prince. L grinned. The climb had been totally worth it, because he was going to make out with that hot person. He enjoyed these moments, in which being a knight with his knightliness paid off in being able to snog with people who were sleeping. Ahem, let my correct myself.

Snog with hot, sexy people who were sleeping. Sorry, the way I explained it sounded creepy, this is much better. Kissing just anyone is not the same as kissing a person with above average looks. I suppose it's a faire tale thing.

He clamored over to the bed that held the princess/prince, making sure to knock down several things in the process. Slowly he knelt down next to the bed and felt a thing in his heart. A different thing. A special thing. A thing he'd never felt before.

He shrugged. Indigestion probably. Nodding to himself, he leaned down and met his lips with the ones of the princess/prince.

It was a scene, so romantic, so beautiful, so incredibly wondrous and magical that it caused long dead love to come to life again, it made criminals weep, and somewhere, a young girl by the name of Misa sat down on her bed and screamed loudly that her life was over for several hours without knowing why. Light's eyes fluttered open and L smiled at the elegance of the princess/prince's first gaze at his true love. It was truly a faire tale sort of ending.

Light's first thoughts upon waking:

'How the hell is that creepy guy smiling at me?'

Then he remembered that he had been asleep and this was his true love. No, no, no, NO. This was not a knight in shining armor at all; this was some sort hideous joke. Please let it have been some horrible joke Light prayed. He did not spend half of his adolescent years in a gd tall tower to be greeted with this when he woke up.

L smiled and stroked the side of Light's face lovingly. Oh he was definitely putting all 5s on the comments/complaints card.

"Good morning princess/prince. I'm your true love."

Light then let loose the very un-princessy shriek that he had been holding in the entire time he had been shoved in the tower, taunted by Kira, inconvienced by the faires and having his dreams of true love utterly crushed by the stupid grinning freak who was continually touching him.

"YOU MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT! I WILL GO TO HELL AND BACK BEFORE I EVEN THINK ABOUT LETTING YOU SIR TOUCH, UNCLOTH, OR EVER LAY A KISS ON MY LIPS! I DID NOT SPEND AT LEAST 10 YEARS IN A TOWER WISHING FOR A CHARMING AND 'HANDSOME' KNIGHT TO SAVE TO HAVE YOU, YOU RACOON EYED FREEEAK, CRUSH ALL MY CHANCE OF TRUE ETERNAL LOVE! UH-UH BUDDY THAT IS NOT HAPPENING!"

And with that, Light slammed himself down on the bed, shut his eyes, and stuck his lips back out. L frowned and pouted.

"What are you doing?" he asked sulkily. Light groaned and whispered out of the side of his mouth.

"I'm pretending to still be asleep so that when my real knight in shining armor comes, I'll be ready."

"What if I am your knight in shining armor?!"

Light cracked open one eye and looked L up and down. Then he laughed, which was very demoralizing for L.

"Before you ask that, you may want to take a look in the mirror, because you are in desperate need of some sort of beauty product."

L frowned again and was about to counter the statement with a retort when, all of a sudden, Kira made his much dreaded appearance. Kira, honestly, had the crappiest timing of all time.

"You, knight who is very ugly in your appearance," Kira bellowed (because talking in a library voice was physically impossible for Kira) while L muttered about how everyone seemed to be ragging on his appearance, "You have interfered with my plans for the last time!"

L looked puzzled.

"But this is the first time I've interfered with your plans."

Kira sighed and made large gestures with his hands.

"Yes, but you see, I said it for dramatic effect. Like when one says that they've had enough, when really they haven't."

L tapped a finger to his chin.

"Well, yes, but you see, if you say that, then it implies something that isn't true and that seems…"

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH."

Kira and L looked at Light, who by this time was seething with rage.

"Look, I'm sick of letting you idiots decide what happens to me. Nothing you do does any good. You people and your crap choices are what have gotten me into alllll these situation that I wouldn't be in if I had done what I knew was right. So now, I'm going to do what I want, not what you want, and god damn it, I'm going to do it in this ruffled red dress!"

With that, Light grabbed L's sword from its sheath, and then stabbed Kira right through the chest. He continued to stab Kira's body in rage.

"This is for trapping me in a tower, this is for ruining my sixteenth birthday cake, this is for forcing me to wear dresses for my teenaged years, and this…"

He said, driving one last time into Kira and then leaning close to his face;

"..is for calling me princess."

He whipped around and cocked his eyebrow at L, as if to dare him to say anything.

L grinned.

"You're sexy when you're angry."

Light smiled cutely and twirled the sword innocently.

"Thank you, you are very kind."

"Can I have my sword back now?"

"No, I don't think I want to give it back."

L's eyes widened and he scooted away a bit from the princess/prince. Maybe allowing such an angry person to have weapon wasn't such a good idea.

Then again, L had had the sword first, so his judgment wasn't the best anyway.

end chapter four

A.N. Aha! True Love at last. Or so Light hopes not. Anyhoo, sorry this took soooo long. I could not think of ideas. Plus I was being a lazy butt and playing Guitar Hero instead of working on this.

Heh, I listened to Wicked songs and Avenue Q songs. I'm sorry, but '.What is this Feeling' in Wicked seems like a perfect song for L and Light

Anyway, Yay for Light taking control of the situation. I don't care how many of you are all 'But he and L are meant to be! Why is he being so mean?'. If you woke up from your true love sleep to have this L person hanging over you with this creepy grin, you would be pissed too. Geez, Light didn't know that his Prince Charmin' wasn't so, um, charmin'. Oh well, he's stuck with him.

Please review or Light will take out his bottled up anger on you…


	5. Chapter 5

A Faire Tale

I do not own Death Note, nor its characters.

Summary: A faire tale full of knights, faires, and princessy angst. Where ever there is a plot hole, we exploit it!

Chapter Five: The Matter of the Stead

With Kira dead, or at least too wounded to really have any sort of further effect on the plot, L, the creepy pedophiliac knight, and Light, the gender confused and slightly homicidal princess/prince were at a very strange and plot convenient point in the story. Looking out the window, they realized that the tower was very tall (an observation that had eluded Light until he actually got a fairly good look of the outside). And difficult to climb down. And strangely flat without any bricks to use as climbing devices.

Wasn't there a faire who dealt with this stuff earlier in the story?

"Geezus. You guys sure know how to get yourselves into plot convenient trouble."

The two whipped around to see, once again, Mello. Light felt an odd feeling, like pure jealous rage pump through his veins at the sight of Mello. It was probably his silky smooth hair. Light wanted silky smooth hair, but Kira provided crappy shampoo for his own luscious locks.

Good thing all princess/princes are good at making their hair look perfect when they are short on proper hair care products.

"Ah, Mello, it is…strange to see you again." Mello shrugged and pulled out his wand.

"Well, this happens a lot. You wouldn't believe the number of times that people get stuck in towers without thinking about ways to get down. I mean, there were branches that used to deal with that stuff, but they disbanded because, well, it kinda sucks getting people down from towers, and really, they had to wear such awful t-shirts. Bad funding, all because those guys up in PR are such cheap asses…"

Light and L looked at each other and shared a telepathic message that was this:

"Geezus, this faire talks a lot. I think your ass is very nice."

The last part might have only been L. Light whapped him over the head with the sword before turning to the faire.

"Do you think you could hurry up or something? I'd like to get out and go somewhere where people respect privacy and don't make raunchy comments about my person."

Mello stopped talking and stared at Light, who stared back. He nodded and opened his mouth again.

"I totally get what you're saying. Like, there is this guy that I like, but he is constantly making comments like, 'I think you ass is very nice' and crap like that. I have respect and stuff, so freakin shut your mouth, you know…" Light was practically having spasms from the immense amount of anger that was frothing forth from him. He darted forward during Mello's speech about how guys totally didn't respect him, you know, like, totally and snatched his wand from him.

Now Mello was also pissed.

"You can't take that."

"I just did."

"It's not plot convient. I have at least two more rants planned and you aren't supposed to be so proactive. It isn't how this stuff goes down."

"Well," Light smiled and twirled the wand around in his fingers, "I guess you'll have to improvise then, won't you?" Mello's eyes got frighteningly large.

"Improvise? But…we've never improvised…"

"Well start." Light swished the wand around he and L, frustratedly trying to come up with a spell.

"Swishity Flickity, Stamp, Stomp…uh, make us go to there." And he pointed the wand at the ground and instantly the two were pouffed down to ground level.

Here is the problem. There is no trusty stead. Very bad news for L.

"Where the hell is your horse? Aren't knights supposed to have horses?"

"I did have one. It just isn't here." L looked around in a nervous fashion. Without his horse, there would be no great journey to the castle. Without a great journey, there would be no wooing of the prince/princess. Without the wooing, there would be no happy sex for L.

And then…he would have to do…stuff. L's face was appalled. The audacity of the thought was shocking in and of itself!

"You lost a horse. In, what, 30 minutes?"

"Maybe it's grazing."

"What is there to graze on? All that's here is chopped up shrubbery."

L was about to retort in a very manly fashion when a kindly looking old man came out of the bushes. He was wearing some odd clothing, a suit like thing, black with a piece of black cloth wrapped around his neck. It was all so ridiculous that L and Light shared a telepathic laugh. It was like this:

"Ha ha ha ha. I would much like to sex you."

L was, once again, whapped on the head.

"Hello L, Prince/Princess Light."

"Hello really old man." L said cordially, or at least what ever didn't sound like a threat. Knights really only had three voices. The threat voice, the semi cordial voice, and the wooing of the maiden with whom I want to sex much please voice.

L got them confused often.

"Well, aren't you going to do something?"

"Would that be plot convenient?"

"Is there anything in this story that isn't?"

"Um, yes."

"What?"

"You." The really old man stared at L before laughing a little.

"Oh, I see. I was changed, mystically, by a witch into a human. I'm Watari."

"Watari."

"Yes Sir L."

"You were better looking as a horse. Where is this witch?"

"She said she was going to a mountain."

"What was her name?"

"Uh, uh, uh…you're really going to laugh."

"Knights are too manly to laugh out loud. We only laugh telepathically."

"It's Bethany."

"Bethany."

"Yes. THAT Bethany."

"Oh. OH. THAT BETHANY."

Light raised his hand and L pointed to him.

"Hot princess/prince. Imput?"

"Who is Bethany?"

"My ex."

"Your ex is a witch."

"He didn't used to be."

"It was a he? Who names their son Bethany?"

"He had his gender reversed. His real name is…"

PLOT COVEINIENT CLIFF HANGER.

A.N. LOL. I TOTALLY PUT A CLIFFHANGER IN. AREN'T I THE CLEVEREST THING YOU EVER DID SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

HAHAHAHA. PLEASE REVIEW EVEN THOUGH I PISSED YOU OFF BY MAKING YOU WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW.

LOLROFLLMAO.


	6. Chapter 6

A Faire Tale

I do not own Death Note.

Summary: A faire tale full of knights, faires, and princessy angst. Aren't you supposed to be doing your homework instead of reading crap like this?

Chapter 6: Witches and Their Unbelievable Grudge Holding Abilities

"…Beyond Birthday."

Light stared at L with a look on his face that read:

"Why does every one in this story have names that don't make sense? Or are alterative?"

L looked back with a face that said:

"Because they are dynamic and have hidden meanings so that the story will seem deep and intellectual."

Light did a handstand and gave L a look that said:

"This story is going no where because the writer can't think of anything better than to have us have conversations with our faces."

L did this creepy smile and had a face that said:

"I can totally see your underwear and am not paying any attention to what your face is saying to me."

Light got back up and put his hands on his hips.

"I was trying to have a serious face dialogue with you." L threw his hands up and looked frustratedly at Light.

"Well I was trying to look at your ladies panties and mentally undress you, so there. I won the argument."

"We weren't even arguing."

"I won anyways." And with that he walked into the woods. Light huffed and followed after him, trying to hold up his skirts so they didn't get dirty. He wasn't wasting perfectly good skirts, I mean honestly.

"Where are we going?"

"To find the witch and get Watari turned back into a stead."

"But wouldn't it be easier if we just went to the castle on foot?"

"Did we not just talk about plot convenience?"

Light sighed and walked after L, who seemed to be at a lost at what to do with the vines with no sword. He decided to thrash at the botany wildly with his hand, which made about three leaves fall off.

When he finished about a half an hour of thrashery, he was panting quite heavily.

"How far are we?"

"Three centimeters from the starting point."

"Damned it!"

Light groaned and pulled out the sword, cutting the shrubs and moving through them. L was very upsettled by this little turn of events, so he tried to make himself seem very useful by talking to Light about how useless he was.

"You know, having a princess/prince might really slow me down. I won't be able to ride around valiantly and stuff, because you will really slow me down. In a fashion that will find unappealing. And then I will just have to dump on the nearest old wizard man so he can, I don't know, rape you and use your bones in his tea and scones."

Light turned around and was about to spit out a very rude word that he couldn't really say because the story was rated Teen and people would get very offended when out of nowhere a large cloud of rain and self esteem issues came forth from the sky.

"AHAHAHAHAHahaha…oh yes, okay, breathing is restricting, restricting, oh, oh, there we go." The cloud landed next to Light and out popped a very skinny man dressed in a long robe that had the most hideous argyle pattern on it. The man was hunched over like a gargoyle. He quickly shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out an asthma inhaler out (which was strange, because neither asthma nor the inhaler had been invented yet). He took a large puff and then faced the dynamic duo.

"Sooo, I see you thought you could get away from me Lawliet." L groaned and hid his face in embarrassment.

"Please don't use my name B…"

Light was practically dying from laughter. "Your name is Lawliet? That has to be the gayest name ever! Who even names their child that? Ahahahahaha!"

B's face turned straight toward the gender confused prince/princess and his expression became a face of fiery passion of fire and other angry things.

"Is this her? Your new tart to cart around? Does she love you the way I love you?" B clung to L's leg, which seemed very saddened by this predicament, "No one will ever love you the way I do!"

Light rolled his eyes and put his foot down, making B look over and glare.

"What are you going to do, princess?"

It was at this moment that all the planets collided and created a large explosion of amazing proportion.

This was minute compared to Light's explosion.

"You." Stab. "Don't." Stab. "Call." Stabby Stab. "Me Princesss." Stabbbbb Stab. "You socially retarded asthmatic clingy bastard." Stab.

He huffed and flicked his hair back. The bloody body looked absolutely disgusting, but it was nothing compared to the look of absolute gratitude on L's face.

"Oh god. I love you Light, so wholly and purely it is not to be believed." Light giggled and blushed.

"Aww, thanks babe."

They linked arms and skipped off merrily to their next destination, forgetting completely about Watari, who was wandering around aimlessly trying to serve people tea.

The writer scratched her head and shrugged.

"Not like anyone's reading this for great writing or plot."

end of chapter 6

A.N. Oh. I can't write worth crap. Thank you lovely people for pretending to love my slap dash efforts to make you laugh.

I went through my old chapters and found something out. I have a very stupid sense of humor. How are you all getting my jokes? They don't make any sense!

Please Review…


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